Healthy Boundaries In Your Relationship: Setting Limits and Staying Connected

In any relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, friendly, or professional, healthy boundaries are crucial for maintaining a strong and fulfilling connection that is sustainable over time. 

But there is a lot of misconception over what “boundaries” and “limits” are, how to define what yours are, and how to put them into place effectively. 

Boundaries are protective of relationships. 

Boundaries serve as guidelines for how we want to interact with others and the way that we can do this while ensuring that our needs, values, and personal space are being respected. They are the invisible lines that define where we end and others begin. 

However, some hear the word “boundaries” or “limits” and take them to be walls that another person puts up to keep them out; that in a healthy relationship, there should be no need for anything that creates distance, separateness, or “rules” about how to interact. 

But healthy boundaries are quite the opposite: getting to know our limits and setting boundaries allows us to continue engaging with others in a way that feels good and sustainable to us–Our boundaries mark the distance at which we can engage with others without losing ourselves. 

“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.” -Mark Groves

It’s important for each individual in a relationship to maintain a sense of self and pursue personal goals, interests, and passions. Without boundaries, individuality could be lost or overshadowed by the collective, which can lead to emotional burnout, resentment, and a lack of passion for the relationship. Energy needs to continue to flow back into the relationship from each individual in order for it to thrive, and this energy in part comes from how each individual participates in their own world–this is what creates relational chemistry and passion and allows the relational to grow as a third entity in the system.

Communication & respect of boundaries strengthens relationships. 

Having limits and boundaries are not optional–everyone has them, and they are different for every person and likely vary relationship to relationship. Whether or not they are acknowledged, explored, and expressed, they absolutely have an impact on the dynamic of a relationship. But rather than remaining invisible lines that can cause relational rifts when they are tripped over and discovered, they can be made clear and concrete and used as stepping stones to enhance communication, build trust and respect, and strengthen the relationship.

Recognizing what your own limits are is something that will strengthen your relationship to yourself and your understanding of what your needs are: what makes you feel safe, respected, and connected. If you are able to then communicate this to your partner, you are basically handing them the map to create the ideal relationship for you!

However, it’s important to note that boundaries are limits that you set about what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship–they are not limits you can put on the other person. 

We cannot control how others respond to our boundaries, all that we can control is how we communicate those boundaries (which will maximize our chances of getting the behavior we want but not guarantee it) and our follow through on enforcing that boundary–what will you do if a boundary is violated? This is a crucial step to think about in developing your boundaries. A boundary with no strategy for enforcement is not a boundary–it is a request.

For example, a request might be that your partner please lower their voice when in a disagreement with you. A boundary would be that if your partner does not lower their voice in this disagreement, that you will not continue the discussion and will have to leave the room, leave the home, or hang up the phone. Whether your partner decides to honor your limit  or not (not being able to have a conversation with raised voices), you are upholding your boundary by exiting the conversation if these conditions cannot be met. 

How can I recognize my limits and set healthy boundaries?

Setting boundaries can be challenging for many people because they may not have seen healthy boundaries modeled to them growing up. Not to mention, our capitalist, consumerist, workaholic promoting culture doesn’t necessarily reward setting boundaries or recognizing one’s own emotional experience.

In order to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you have to be in touch with your needs, values, and limits. This requires a level of self-awareness, self-reflection, and potentially work with a therapist. 

It’s important to note that you are allowed to have whatever boundaries you like–so long as they are true boundaries that focus on you and your responses and not others. Your limits are whatever your limits are, though they may evolve and change with time, and they may also have consequences. If you have very rigid, strict boundaries in your relationships, they may have relational consequences–it is a fair standard to require that a person respects your boundaries to be in relationship with you, but it is not fair to expect that someone is able to stay in relationship with you–your boundaries may conflict with theirs.

Navigating boundaries in a relationship & negotiating connection.

Boundaries work both ways. Just as your boundaries deserve to be respected, ensure that you respect the boundaries of others as well. Even if a person’s boundaries don’t make sense to you or interfere with what your needs are–their boundaries are valid and reflect limits just as yours do, and respect is not arguing this or attempting to cross them.

However, a respectful conversation can be had to explore what a boundary means to a person and to attempt to understand why it’s important to them. Sometimes when a person enacts a boundary in our relationship, it can feel not only like it’s creating distance for us, but like it’s stopping us from getting one of our needs met. 

Rather than attacking that person’s boundary, a much more fruitful way to proceed is to think about what it is about that boundary that is so upsetting for you–and see if you can communicate what concerns you have or needs that you are trying to get met without asking that the boundary be removed.

For example, using the previous scenario:

One partner sets a boundary that if their partner raises their voice, they cannot continue the conversation. This upsets their partner who raises their voice when they feel unheard, undervalued, or otherwise distanced from their partner as an attempt to get the attention they need. 

Rather than attacking this boundary by saying something like “I’m not yelling”, or “I’m angry so of course I’m going to yell”, they might instead express “this boundary makes sense to me and is something that I deeply want to respect. I often react this way when I feel unheard, and when you end the conversation it makes me feel more unheard. Would you be willing to give me a warning during the conversation that I’m raising my voice so that I have a chance to change my behavior?”

This takes practice. So, so much practice. But boundaries are a window to a deeper level of intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship; they offer a chance to know each other in such a real way and express validation and acceptance for the limitations of another person.