People Pleasing 101
As a therapist who specializes in working with millennial women with high-functioning anxiety, people pleasing is a common ingredient in the “anxious” recipe, coupled with perfectionism and low self-esteem. If you’re curious to understand more about what people pleasing is and what it looks like or steps to start changing these behaviors, keep reading!
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a set of behaviors or tendencies in which you prioritize other people’s comfort even if it means ignoring or sacrificing your own. Are you someone who would never let the restaurant know that they gave you the wrong order? If you’re at the nail salon and they make a mistake, do you cringe at the idea of saying something? Have you had people mispronounce your name, but you don’t correct them?
This isn’t your regular demonstration of empathy and attunement to others and your loved ones. It’s also not your typical “go with the flow” attitude. It’s a deep-rooted fear that if you don’t acquiesce to others’ needs and prioritize them above your own, you won’t be loved, cared for, or worthy.
Where does it come from?
People pleasing can be an adaptive trauma response. Many know about three trauma responses: fight, flight, or freeze. But, there’s a fourth trauma response that’s equally as relevant: fawn. Fawning can be synonymous with people-pleasing. It’s the act of seeking safety through meeting the needs of others. If you grew up in a highly chaotic home environment, you may have coped by walking on eggshells, minimizing your needs and feelings in an attempt to keep the peace and avoid conflict. Likewise, if your parents were very conditional with their love, giving it out sparingly or only for achievements, or emotionally withholding love and affection if you did something “wrong,” you most likely adapted by trying to do what you thought they wanted from you. This is a natural stress response for those that grow up in these environments.
People pleasers often start as parent pleasers.
Every child needs emotional caretaking from their parents, feeling comforted and supported in times of stress, and knowing you have their love no matter your actions or behaviors. When you don’t receive this kind of support, you use different strategies in an effort to seek it out. Typically, this looks like dissociating or disconnecting from your own feelings and prioritizing the feelings and needs of those around you.
Common Signs
You struggle in identifying and vocalizing your own needs
You irrationally fear upsetting others
You experience severe guilt when you upset others
You feel it’s your job to regulate others’ emotions
You feel the need to look/feel a certain way when you’re around other people
You struggle with showing up/feeling anger
You feel you give 150% into your relationships, but don’t receive that in return
You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries
What’s the impact?
When we constantly prioritize other people’s needs above our own, we can end up feeling irritable, drained, frustrated, and resentful. We mistake feeling needed with being loved. This drives us to constantly prove our worth by giving beyond our capacity. While people-pleasing may have been an adaptive response for us when we were younger, it can lead to us feeling incredibly lost as adults, as we’ve taught ourselves to look externally for clues and guidance on who we are, what we should value, and how we should act. Often, people-pleasing can result in a hypervigilance of attuning to others, constantly monitoring other people’s moods, personalizing when other people are in distress (assuming it’s our fault), and taking on the accountability for others’ feelings. This can trigger significant anxiety surrounding social interactions and lead you to feel like you have to put on a “mask” to engage with others. Furthermore, extreme resentment can result in relationships and friendships, as people-pleasers often don’t express their needs because they feel it’s inappropriate or selfish for them to have needs.
Typically, people-pleasers feel incredibly misunderstood. In their attempt to feel loved, they act in the way they think they should, which creates superficial relationships in which no one actually has the opportunity to get to know them! It’s painfully ironic that in an attempt to prevent abandonment and promote closeness, we do the opposite. We create superficial relationships based on this “persona” we think others want and in the process, we abandon ourselves.
How to stop people pleasing?
Become aware of the root cause and demonstrate self-compassion as to why you’ve adapted this coping mechanism
Get back in tune with yourself and your feelings - identify your emotions and allow yourself to feel them
Start asking yourself what you need on a regular basis and then prioritize it (if you can give it to yourself) or start asking for it from friends, family, and significant others
Challenge yourself to set boundaries with yourself and loved ones - say no to the things you don’t want to do so you can say “yes” more to the things that matter
To stop people pleasing requires you to acknowledge and accept that you don’t have control over other people’s perceptions of you. Once you relinquish this belief, you’ll be able to lean into the notion that forming authentic, healthy, and intimate relationships with yourself and others requires you to show up as yourself! As you begin to look inwards, you’ll start to re-learn yourself, your values, and your needs. You’ll feel more grounded and connected and more confident in yourself and your relationships.
