Overcoming Repetitive Arguments in Relationships

All couples will inevitably disagree at times and have conflicting viewpoints about how best to move forward. But sometimes couples become entrenched in repetitive, cyclical disagreements that feel unproductive and downright painful.

These arguments that seem to be about something deeper and present with a recurrent pattern are what John Gottman calls “gridlocked” or perpetual issues. They might feel like some sort of “stand-off” or even like being stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap: where each partner digs their heels in the sand and pulls for their position, making compromise or resolution seem impossible. 

The way these issues present will be different for each couple, but you can recognize them by asking yourself a few questions:

Is this really about what we’re arguing about at this moment?

For example, a couple might be arguing about who does the dishes the most and be stuck on logistics (i.e. “Well I did all  of the dishes yesterday” or “Well you’re leaving out that I cooked yesterday, so of course you should do the dishes!”). But the gridlocked issue is that neither partner feels appreciated or valued for what they contribute to the relationship. 

This might show up over and over again in household chores, financial disagreements, a sexual relationship, or who spends more time with their friends, but each time it comes up, regardless of the context, these feelings and emotional divides are reinforced. 

What is the symbolic meaning of this argument to me or my partner?

For example, I might feel really frustrated and sad that my partner is asking me to stop buying flowers for the home every week. To me, it feels like he doesn’t think I deserve to have nice things or that I am not worth the money. I might even feel that he doesn’t value building a home together with me or trying to make our environment comfortable. 

For my partner, on the other hand, money might symbolize security and safety, and he may have a deep rooted fear that I’m not going to be willing to make sacrifices ever in our relationship in order to protect the financial security of the family. My telling him that this “isn’t a big deal” and something that I want to be able to spend money on might feel like I’m disregarding his fears or insisting on putting myself and what I want before our security in the long-term. 

Am I personalizing something that might just be a disagreement or miscommunication between the two of us as a personal attack?

Gridlocked issues will often feel incredibly important, emotional, and activating to us, even when objectively the thing they are presenting as in that moment might not seem important to others. 

For example, if a couple is arguing about dishes and one partner requests the other to help with the dishes more, the other partner might suggest that they instead just switch to paper plates so that nobody has to do any dishes. For some couples, this might be a workable solution to the conflict. But, if for this person a willingness to help with the dishes after being asked symbolizes valuing that person’s feelings and responding to their request for help, this could feel invaliding or dismissive of their request, and they would likely react in a way that blamed their partner for suggesting this “fix”.

What is my part in creating or perpetuating this conflict? Am I open to practical solutions, or am I trying to express a deeper issue?

When partners are gridlocked, they are usually unable to see their part in creating or maintaining the conflict and are instead focussed on each other as the full source of the problem.

Oftentimes this is not so much about an inability to compromise or “back down” from their position–though you might feel that this is what you’re being accused of when I suggest you have a part in creating the conflict!

Understand the underlying emotions and unmet need

Gridlocked conflict is strengthened by a deficiency of communication and an inability to make direct requests. In order to take the power away from these conflicts, you need to understand the underlying emotions and unmet needs underneath the presenting conflict. Only once these are recognized and spoken aloud can the couple have a conversation that can diffuse the emotional intensity of what’s really happening.

Couples may find themselves arguing about seemingly trivial issues when, in reality, they are grappling with deeper feelings of insecurity, fear, or loneliness.

I encourage couples to explore the emotions driving their conflicts, fostering empathy and understanding between partners. This involves being curious about yourself and your reactions as well as those of your partner and remaining open to the possibility that they are doing their best at this time to connect with you.

Validate

Showing curiosity and non-judgmentalness towards your and your partner’s feelings will go a long way. Gridlocked issues often come from or are exacerbated by not feeling heard or valued. This also can bring you and your partner over to the same side rather than being in a battle against each other (ex: Ok, I hear you, I’m frustrated and sad about this too, let’s figure this out together).

Identify triggers & communicate together on strategies to mitigate the impact

Repetitive arguments are often triggered by certain situations or behaviors. By identifying these triggers, couples can take proactive steps to avoid or address them constructively. Triggers cannot always be eliminated and it’s not fair to expect your partner to avoid all of these behaviors all of the time, but both of you can work together to reduce them and mitigate their impact. 

For example, it may be reasonable to communicate to your partner that when they roll their eyes it makes you feel unheard and leads to you then becoming more closed off to hearing them out. It’s not so reasonable to expect your partner to leave the house everytime you need space–but the two of you might make a plan to separate to different parts of the house for a certain amount of time so you can each take a breather. 

Seek out professional help 

These patterns can be incredibly difficult for couples to break free from, especially when they’ve been strengthening for years, or even sometimes decades. A professional therapist can provide validation and perspective to both partners and help guide them over time to validate themselves and one another. 

Therapists can also help couples learn de-escalation techniques, communication skills, and healthier alternative patterns to follow during conflict.  

Understand that these patterns are common and they happen for a reason

Breaking free from destructive patterns and overcoming repetitive arguments is a journey that requires dedication and effort from both partners. 

By recognizing the patterns, understanding the emotions beneath the surface, practicing mindful communication, identifying triggers, seeking professional help when needed, and creating new positive patterns, couples can build a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Change takes time, and setbacks at times are inevitable. But investing in your relationship is something that is worth doing and will increase its return over time. Patterns within relationships take two to occur, so while at times you may feel that your partner is the only one participating in the pattern, you do have control over what you do about the pattern and how you respond to it. Even one partner making a change within a relationship dynamic will have an impact.