Overcoming Trust Issues in A Relationship

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship upon which intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection are built. It can be incredibly difficult to confront and work through trust issues in a relationship because it requires vulnerability, patience, and a lot of communication, but working through these concerns can actually strengthen a relationship and enhance intimacy to new levels.

Trust issues can stem from a multitude of sources, including past betrayals in or out of the current relationship, personal insecurities, and communication breakdowns within a relationship. And they are incredibly common. According to Dr. John Gottman, most of the issues that couples encounter in the early milestones of their relationship involve issues of trust. They aren’t necessarily a reason to end a relationship: what’s really telling is how couples choose to address these issues.

Infidelity comes in many forms and can create trust issues in a relationship, including emotional, physical, sexual, and even financial in nature. But any event that causes a major disconnect, misunderstanding, or lack of clear communication can constitute a trust rupture in need of repair. 

From outside the relationship, sometimes individuals bring insecurities, vulnerabilities, or fears from previous relationships or their personal concept of themselves into their current one, projecting their past hurts and shame onto their current partner. 

For example, a person who was cheated on by their previous partner may be especially concerned that their next partner might be unfaithful. And while this is entirely understandable, past relationships do not predict future relationships–just because your last partner was unfaithful, doesn’t mean your next one will be. This puts an unfair pressure on the current partner to “prove” their fidelity and earn trust, which may never be possible, creating an unbalanced power dynamic.

Others might struggle with their own self-esteem, leading to fears of inadequacy or not being “good enough” for their partner to remain faithful to them, be intimate with them, or love them, which can lead to a withdrawal from intimacy and cause rupture.

Finally, a lack of clear and consistent communication (which is the fiber of building a trusting relationship) can cause trust issues, and there are so many things that can create these communication breakdowns, including major life events like moving, pregnancy, having children, medical scares, mental health issues, or cohabitation.

Sometimes couples simply have different expectations of a committed relationship and what level of privacy/transparency is ideal, and this can cause conflict and feelings of distrust if it’s not identified for what it is: a communication issue. 

Regardless of the origins, addressing trust issues requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to work together. 

Communication is crucial.

Communication that is constantly open and honest (and done with respect and empathy) builds trust over time. Partners must create a safe space where they can discuss their concerns, fears, and insecurities without fear of judgment or harsh consequences in the relationship. 

As a therapist, I encourage couples to actively listen to one another and refrain from jumping to conclusions. Share your feelings using "I" statements, such as "I feel anxious when..." or "I am struggling with..." This approach encourages dialogue rather than defensiveness.

It’s usually a good rule of thumb to avoid statements of absolutes like “they never” or “I always”, because they are polarizing and invite defensiveness from one’s partner. 

Remember that your partner can’t read your mind-and you can’t read theirs. You might be quite convinced  that you know what they are thinking and feeling, but I encourage you to ask- we like to be asked what we’re feeling, and we hate to be told it.

If you are worried that communicating something to your partner could cause the end of the relationship, I would encourage you to voice that fear to your partner. It is an understandable fear, but it is not an excuse to withhold this information. In fact, this is even more reason that you need to communicate it!  Because otherwise you may no longer be engaging in a fully consensual relationship by denying your partner the ability to make an informed decision on whether they want to remain in the relationship. 

You are also denying you and your partner the ability to have a conversation that could lead to increased intimacy and trust-they don’t have the ability to reassure you if they don’t know what you’re dealing with. 

Trust is an ongoing, gradual process.  

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that requires commitment and effort from both partners. Transparency and vulnerability are needed, no matter how uncomfortable they are. 

If a partner has broken trust in the past, they must take responsibility, show genuine remorse, and make amends. Trust can be rebuilt over time through consistent actions that align with promises made, it’s not something that can be built overnight. Couples often struggle with doing the work to rebuild trust, particularly if it has been eroded for a very long time, because distrust over time also erodes intimacy and everything else that was positive in the relationship.

Consider that trust doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Are there some things that you do trust your partner with? Is there some level of trust that you do have to lean on, or are you without any foundation at all?

Set and communicate your boundaries as individuals and for the relationship.

Relationship boundaries should be mutually agreed upon and designed to foster feelings of security and respect for both parties in the relationship. This involves discussing what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable within the relationship and why each of you feels that way. 

It may be that neither partner is able to get exactly what they would like, but that each is able to get what they need to feel secure enough. Couples often make the mistake of assuming that their boundaries and expectations of the relationship align with their partners’ without having a conversation about it, and this is setting you up for disappointment. 

It may be that open communication reveals that these boundaries and expectations are entirely incompatible –it is up to each of you to decide what’s acceptable to you or not in a relationship, but continuing to operate in the dark isn’t helping anybody. 

Seeking professional help may be needed.

Sometimes, trust issues can be deeply entrenched and require professional intervention. Couples therapy can offer a neutral and guided environment where partners can work through their concerns with the help of a trained therapist. 

A therapist can provide tools and techniques tailored to the specific needs of the relationship, helping partners understand each other better and develop strategies for rebuilding trust.