The Power of Vulnerability in Relationships

Vulnerability has become a bit of a buzzword in the realm of therapy and relationships, but what do we actually mean when we ask our clients to engage with their vulnerability?

Vulnerability in a general sense means to be exposed in some way to the possibility of being attacked or harmed. If someone shows a vulnerability, they are showing a weakness that could be exploited. If this is how a person thinks of vulnerability, it's no wonder that they would squirm at our suggestion that they be vulnerable with their loved one.

While vulnerability in an emotional sense does still open us up to the potential of being hurt, it is much more often a strength than a weakness. Brené Brown, a researcher and a storyteller who has spent years studying topics like courage, empathy, shame, and vulnerability, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” What makes someone courageous or brave is their willingness to proceed in spite of uncertainty, risk, and exposure–and this is what a willingness to be vulnerable demonstrates.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness, It is Fullness

There is a common misconception that when we say “be vulnerable” what we’re saying is to only feel “softer” emotions: like sadness, shame, or fear. While these emotions are indeed part of vulnerability, so are feelings like anger, disappointment, envy, jealousy, or even desire. 

Being vulnerable doesn’t inherently mean feeling any particular type of way; what it means is experiencing the fullness of one’s emotional experience, including more secondary or below the surface emotions that might feel more uncertain or risky for us to feel for whatever reason and potentially being willing to share those with others.

Vulnerability Gives Us Information

It takes a willingness to venture into uncertainty and risk to be vulnerable, but from vulnerability we gain information about ourselves, others, and our relationships. By being willing to experience the fullness of our emotional experience with curiosity and acceptance, we can learn so much more about our motivations, our fears, and our needs.

Getting more familiar with the emotions that may not come as naturally to you or the ones that feel risky or particularly difficult can tell you a lot about yourself as well as what it might be like for others to be in a relationship with you.

And expressing these vulnerabilities to close others not only allows them to have more information about you, but it also gives you a lot of information about how they handle vulnerability in others and whether they are someone you can trust. 

Vulnerability Isn’t All or Nothing

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to share your innermost vulnerable feelings with someone who you aren’t convinced will keep them safe or give them the space and respect they deserve. However, this is no reason to not be vulnerable with yourself and acknowledge the full range of your emotional experience.

And one person being vulnerable opens the door for another to return it in kind; if you’re looking for your partner to open up to you about what they’re experiencing, attempting to bully them into it won’t be very effective. Demonstrating it to them and being the first to brave that territory has much better chances. 

Rather than being completely vulnerable with everyone right away, try giving small glimpses of it to others and making the choice to give more or not based on how they respond to you. Vulnerability is not sharing everything with everyone indiscriminately, it is sharing in intentional and thoughtful ways. 

Vulnerability Builds Connection and Trust

If we’re not in connection with our full selves, it makes it a lot more difficult to be in full connection with others. The more we are vulnerable with others and receive affirming, validating, and reciprocal responses from them, the more connection and trust we build with that person.

If you’re looking to feel closer to your partner, vulnerability can build intimacy, closeness, and connection that is enduring and resilient. 

Vulnerability Is Communication

Communication is crucial to relationship building and well-being, and vulnerability allows a person to really get in touch with what they and their partner are truly experiencing and needing. A vulnerable conversation after an argument can change it from a conflict to a miscommunication.

If you struggle to express your emotions openly to your partner or ask for what you need, it's going to be incredibly difficult for them to figure it out! Humans aren’t mind readers, and no matter how empathic we are or how well we might know someone, we cannot anticipate their needs or fully know their emotional experience without them communicating with us. 

Vulnerability Encourages Accountability

True vulnerability doesn’t blame, shame, or criticize. Being vulnerable with someone means telling them about your emotional experience without anything extra. It shares “the story” that you’re telling yourself about what’s happening. Its much easier for us to hear our partners talk about themselves than it is to hear our partners talk about us, so when you communicate with vulnerability you are minimizing the chances that you’re going to receive a defensive response from your partner. 

It allows someone to see their impact on us in a way that is genuine and that they can interpret on their own, rather than us telling someone how they should feel about something, we are inviting them to feel in response to our feeling. 

If you chose to explore increased vulnerability with yourself or others, its important to be intentional about how you are responding to it. Remaining open, curious, and non judgemental will continue to encourage a vulnerable exchange. Asking open ended questions, pausing before reacting, and getting curious about your own reactions can help you stay centered in these difficult conversations.